The reaction when Miss Philippines was announced as a finalist at this year’s Miss Universe. I love them. Courtesy of my neighbor and friend Steve.

Catherine Zeta Jones channels Norma Desmond in her crazed Tony performance of 'Send in the Clowns'

I’ve saved one of my more tasteful blog headlines to discuss the mess that was last night’s 2010 Tony Awards broadcast — starting with Catherine Zeta Jones’ inelegant, mannered, and lip-sweaty performance of “Send in the Clowns.” If that is what she does 8x a week at the Walter Kerr, then I’m completely baffled. And the fact that she got awarded for it with a Best Actress in a Musical Tony? Wow.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Sean Hayes was our host, and actually fared the best of all last night. He started out charming, calm and in control. However, the moment his co-host Kristin Chenoweth (I’m only assuming she was sharing hosting duties, as she was onstage as much as he was) came on the screen with her mugging, winking and pratfalls, the running theme of the evening came into focus: desperation.

There was such an over-eagerness about the proceedings, with everyone pushing too hard and making bitter jokes about not being nominated, it was almost embarrassing to watch.

And when Lea Michele stomped down the aisle to inform us, in her overworked pop-belt, no one was gonna rain on her parade, it was like the definition of desperation marching out before the baffled Radio City audience. I guess there was one good thing about that utterly charmless performance: it guaranteed that no director with a brain would consider her for the 2012 revival of Funny Girl.

As for the Tony performances, which are always the highlight of the show, not a single one captured my attention or interest. (And I’m someone who loves theatre!) The hard part about these segments is you have four minutes to bring us into your world and perform a number in some sort of context. Yet none of them really succeed at doing that — they tried to accomplish too much. Fela and Memphis oversold it — it was just chaos to me. And did no one tell Rob Ashford that cameras actually have to film the Tony production numbers, so maybe choosing a segment from Promises, Promises that involves the cast running around in a circle while twirling around on office chairs isn’t the best choice for selling your show to a TV audience? It was just dizzy making.

(Strangely enough, Christiane Noll, who I hear was wonderful as Mother in Ragtime, had the opposite problem from the rest of the spazzy performances: she undersold her song. Oh, she sounded great, but that was one of the most snoozy performances of “Back to Before” I’ve ever heard.)

I’m not even going to discuss Green Day having TWO songs in the opening production number.

Fortunately, Angela Lansbury, looking smashing in red, came out to talk about the Theatre Wing while radiating class and grace — but even her too-brief appearance couldn’t counter-balance all that unfocused energy.

Also, as was the case with last year’s telecast, technical issues were a-plenty, with dead microphones and camera snafus. (In fact, some common themes seem to emerge when reading my thoughts on last year’s Tonys.)

Comon Tonys: get it together.

*For those three of you who don’t know, this is my lame joke on that Sondheim lyric from his brilliant “Send in the Clowns,” which CZJ crapped all over last night:

Don’t you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you’d want what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don’t bother, they’re here.

Yup, that’s Bret Michaels of hair band Poison getting smacked down by Broadway on last night’s Tony Awards telecast. Owch. And kind of amazing?

Oh, I know how we missed it — we were too amazed by Stockard Channing’s “handsome” features and boozy “singing”.

(via Stephen)

But before all that — The 2009 Tony Awards!

Yes, we left Central Lake, MI superearly yesterday morning to ensure I had ample time to get prepared for my people’s Super Bowl. And now…I’m kinda thinking I would have been fine watching it on DVR.

What a technical, horrid mess that was. Easily, one of the worst Tony telecasts I’ve ever seen since I really started watching in 1993.

Yes, Angela Lansbury won a record-setting (tying with Julie Harris) five Tony awards. That was very touching, and she looked lovely, providing one of the few classy moments of the show. And yes, the lovely (and blue!) Alice Ripley took home the Best Actress in a Musical award, giving a speech that echoed previous Best Actress winners Ebersole and LuPone. Is this some sort of new tradition that Leading Musical Actress winners have to be LARGER THAN LIFE in their acceptance speeches? If that’s the case, I’m totally ready for my Award in 2010.

Also, did anyone notice that Ripley is starting to sound like Betty Buckley in some of her power notes? Interesting.

At any rate, what a giant technical snafu that evening was. Microphones dropping, cameras panning on the wrong winners, the wrong microphones turned up at the wrong times. From my surround sound living room, these sound errors were even more apparent and distracting.

Furthermore, the lack of respect for nominated plays was so disheartening. Five second clips from B-rolls? It’s like they were going out of their way to show us how much they didn’t care.

As Kari said, CBS outsucked itself.

As always, the performance numbers from musicals tried desperately to liven things up. However, this doesn’t really work when you pick horrid numbers to represent your show. I’m talking to you, Billy Elliot. Congratulations. That performance alone made me never want to see the show, which I don’t think was the goal.

Even sure-fire production numbers like “Sit Down You’re Rockin’ The Boat” didn’t work. Perhaps that was due to the over-tinkering of this revival’s treatment of the number. (Mary Testa’s “Hit me daddy!!” makes me want to scream!)

Oh, and this number was already done, and done much better, in 1992:

Even Legally Blonde’s number made me sad. Gulsvig seemed to turn up the nasal a few 10 notches.

Since the Tony’s goal this year, more than ever, was to appeal to a general audience, I’m going to make some quick observations as a typical midwesterner with casual interest in musical theatre.

Shrek looked creepy, but I’ll take my kids to it. Maybe? Oh, wait, the cost of four tickets equals two months of mortgage payments. Let’s just watch the movie. Again.

Rock of Ages seems like a blast. However, what’s with all the focus on the mincing gay mullet guy? I don’t understand that.

That was a lot of screaming and throwing of cutlery in the Next to Normal number.

Hair looks fun! However, actors running amuck in the audience is nervous-making.

And Billy Elliot. As my friend Kathe noted on my facebook comment regarding that performance, “I haven’t heard that much male onstage grunting since I saw Puppetry of the Penis.”

The only saving grace? NPH. Mainly, his final production number, where he recapped the winners and evening’s events. Which means he, and some other theatre insiders who wrote the number, were privy to insider information. And we know how well theatre people can keep a secret. Ooh conspiracy!

Why can’t PBS present the awards? They did such a good job ten years ago with the technical and creative awards pre-show. Please.

[via broadway.com]

Isn’t that fabulous? It’s like they’re a completely different breed.

Speaking of fabulous: I’ve been invited to the opening night of Legally Blonde The Musical on Wed, May 13. Which means free, with cocktails included. I’m so excited, I cannot tell you. But now I’m in a pinch to find something pink! Help?

(*a.k.a. guessing)

Best Play

Dividing the Estate
God of Carnage
Reasons to Be Pretty
33 Variations

Lots of actors nomed from this show and strong reviews make me lean to Carnage.

Best Musical

Billy Elliot, The Musical
Next to Normal
Rock of Ages
Shrek The Musical

It’s the season’s mega-hit and it’s a show you just can’t hate. Win.

Best Book of a Musical

Billy Elliot, The Musical
Next to Normal
Shrek The Musical
[Title of Show]

[Title of Show] and Next to Normal are both entirely original musicals, so they should win. But they won’t.

Best Original Score (Music and/or Lyrics) Written for the Theatre

Billy Elliot, The Musical
Next to Normal
9 to 5: The Musical
Shrek The Musical

As much as we want Dolly Parton to win this, I think Sir Elton John takes the trophy.

Best Revival of a Play

Joe Turner’s Come and Gone
Mary Stuart
The Norman Conquests
Waiting for Godot

Total guess.

Best Revival of a Musical

Guys and Dolls
Hair
Pal Joey
West Side Story

The critics went apeshit over Hair, so there you go. Sorry, Laurents.

Best Special Theatrical Event

Liza’s at The Palace
You’re Welcome America. A Final Night with George W. Bush
Slava’s Snowshow
Soul of Shaolin

Yeah, I’m not voting Liza because she basically did a concert and didn’t pass out. Which I guess should warrant some sort of award, but not a Tony. Based on the HBO performance, Will Ferrell’s show was a fun evening. I don’t know what Soul of Shaolin is. And Slava’s Snowshow has been around since the ice age.

Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Play

Jeff Daniels, God of Carnage
Raúl Esparza, Speed-the-Plow
James Gandolfini, God of Carnage
Geoffrey Rush, Exit the King
Thomas Sadoski, Reasons to Be Pretty

Esparza deserves his Tony, and a special award for dealing with Jeremy Piven’s shit.

Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Play

Hope Davis, God of Carnage
Jane Fonda, 33 Variations
Marcia Gay Harden, God of Carnage
Janet McTeer, Mary Stuart
Harriet Walter, Mary Stuart

From the clips I’ve seen, McTeer seems like a force. Although, I love Marcia Gay Harden. And no Carla Gugino?? WTF!

Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical

David Alvarez, Trent Kowalik, and Kiril Kulish ‚ Billy Elliot, The Musical
Gavin Creel, Hair
Brian d’Arcy James, Shrek The Musical
Constantine Maroulis, Rock of Ages
J. Robert Spencer, Next to Normal

The boys will win as it will make for good television and press.

Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Musical

Stockard Channing, Pal Joey
Sutton Foster, Shrek The Musical
Allison Janney, 9 to 5: The Musical
Alice Ripley, Next to Normal
Josefina Scaglione, West Side Story

Alice Ripley is giving a full-fledged leading actress performance from what I gather. Scaglione could be the dark horse.

Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Play

John Glover, Waiting for Godot
Zach Grenier, 33 Variations
Stephen Mangan, The Norman Conquests
Paul Ritter, The Norman Conquests
Roger Robinson, Joe Turner’s Come and Gone

A guess.

Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Play

Hallie Foote, Dividing the Estate
Jessica Hynes, The Norman Conquests
Marin Ireland, Reasons to Be Pretty
Angela Lansbury, Blithe Spirit
Amanda Root, The Norman Conquests

You have to vote for Jessica Fletcher. I mean, come on.

Best Performance by a Featured Actor in a Musical

David Bologna, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Gregory Jbara, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Marc Kudisch, 9 to 5: The Musical
Christopher Sieber, Shrek The Musical
Will Swenson, Hair

Gregory Jbara seems like a nice guy, so I want him to win.

Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Musical

Jennifer Damiano, Next to Normal
Haydn Gwynne, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Karen Olivo, West Side Story
Martha Plimpton, Pal Joey
Carole Shelley, Billy Elliot, The Musical

Hydn won all the awards for this role in the West End. However, Plimpton and Olivo were both well-reviewed.

Best Scenic Design of a Play

Dale Ferguson, Exit the King
Rob Howell, The Norman Conquests
Derek McLane, 33 Variations
Michael Yeargan, Joe Turner’s Come and Gone

Guessing!

Best Scenic Design of a Musical

Robert Brill, Guys and Dolls
Ian MacNeil, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Scott Pask, Pal Joey
Mark Wendland, Next to Normal

A guess, although I understand the G&D set is confusing, the Pal Joey set looks cheap, and the Next to Normal set is mostly lighting.

Best Costume Design of a Play

Dale Ferguson, Exit the King
Jane Greenwood, Waiting for Godot
Martin Pakledinaz, Blithe Spirit
Anthony Ward, Mary Stuart

Period costumes always win. So I choose Sir Ward. (Is he a Sir? I’m just assuming.)

Best Costume Design of a Musical

Gregory Gale, Rock of Ages
Nicky Gillibrand, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Tim Hatley, Shrek The Musical
Michael McDonald, Hair

Shrek’s costumes look ugly, and Hair is just a bunch of hippie shit. Rock of Ages costumes look trashy and fun. Billy Elliot cannot win for some tutus.

Best Lighting Design of a Play

David Hersey, Equus
David Lander, 33 Variations
Brian MacDevitt, Joe Turner’s Come and Gone
Hugh Vanstone, Mary Stuart

I saw a picture for Equus that had lights and fog. I like that shit.

Best Lighting Design of a Musical

Kevin Adams, Hair
Kevin Adams, Next to Normal
Howell Binkley, West Side Story
Rick Fisher, Billy Elliot, The Musical

There look like there are a lot of lights in the N2N set, so more is always better in my book!

Best Sound Design of a Play

Paul Arditti, Mary Stuart
Gregory Clarke, Equus
Russell Goldsmith, Exit the King
Scott Lehrer and Leon Rothenberg, Joe Turner’s Come and Gone

Clearly.

Best Sound Design of a Musical

Acme Sound Partners, Hair
Paul Arditti, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Peter Hylenski, Rock of Ages
Brian Ronan, Next to Normal

Sure.

Best Direction of a Play

Phyllida Lloyd, Mary Stuart
Bartlett Sher, Joe Turner’s Come and Gone
Matthew Warchus, God of Carnage
Matthew Warchus, The Norman Conquests

Totally.

Best Direction of a Musical

Stephen Daldry, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Michael Greif, Next to Normal
Kristin Hanggi, Rock of Ages
Diane Paulus, Hair

It must be hard to direct a sure-fire hit.

Best Choreography

Karole Armitage, Hair
Andy Blankenbuehler, 9 to 5: The Musical
Peter Darling, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Randy Skinner, Irving Berlin’s White Christmas

White Christmas? What?

Best Orchestrations

Larry Blank, Irving Berlin’s White Christmas
Martin Koch, Billy Elliot, The Musical
Michael Starobin and Tom Kitt, Next to Normal
Danny Troob and John Clancy, Shrek The Musical

I do enjoy the orchestrations for White Christmas. Very old school. But Billy will win, since it’s still running.

—-

Significant omissions: Megan Hilty (in place of Allison Janney for 9 to 5), Daniel Radcliff (who gave a critically lauded performance in Equus and was naked!), Bill Irwin (who I just assume should be nominated), John Goodman (who got rave reviews for Godot) and NOTHING for Desire Under the Elms?? — not even Carla Gugino, who I thought would be a frontrunner to win best actress???.