^ That’s how I’d describe the torturous experience that is He’s Just Not That Into You.

My darling Patty came to visit this weekend, and asked me to go see it with her on Sunday. Being game for a good chick flick, I obliged.

Wow.

We couldn’t leave the theater fast enough. And, really, I should have known better. A phrase that entered our lexicon, thanks to some Sex and the City character’s advice to Miranda, which then became the inspiration for a book and now a movie? Something got lost in translation along the way — and it wasn’t jiggly Scarlett Johansson (whom I wanted to smack hard several times throughout this movie.)

If I were a space alien who watched this movie to gain insight into the human condition, what I would derive is the following:

– Women are either evil, crazy, highly insecure, loose or boring.

– Women are unhappy and worthless without a male.

– Women don’t ever work when at work. Instead they gossip. And cry.

– Women who end up without a male are probably frigid and will be happier without one anyway. Keep mirrors away from these women.

– Marriage is an institution one must enter to be considered “happy” and “worthwhile”.

– Jennifer Aniston’s skin glows orange when you turn out the light.

– Drew Barrymore owns several types of eye glasses and ugly hippy shirts.

– Adult homes have dark walls, black furniture, and spotlights on all the paintings.

– Ginnifer Goodwin’s character is the very definition of annoying, and gets even more annoying when she finally lands a man*. (*OOPS SPOILER).

If I were a woman, I would be deeply offended by this film. Absolutely deplorable.