My darling Gerald is throwing me a birthday party (yes — a few days past my actual bday, but who wants to get drunk on a Monday night?). At first, the entire party was a (top secret) surprise! And, because it’s Gerald, who can’t keep a secret longer than a newborn can hold its bladder, it became “surprise: you’re getting a party!”
And then it became “surprise, you’re getting a party…and it’s at Sidetrack.”
And then it became “surprise, you’re getting a party, and it’s in a private area of the bar I rented at Sidetrack with open bar for three hours.”
And then “surprise, you’re getting a party, and it’s in a private area of the bar I rented at Sidetrack, with open bar for three hours, and they’re going to play nothing but showtunes we hand-selected in your honor.”
With all that out there, I’ve been told there are STILL a few surprises in store. So, with that, may I present the top ten things that (most likely) will not happen at my birthday party:
1) I remain entirely sober and don’t do or say a single embarrassing thing.
2) The gang breaks out into spontaneous dance (led by yours truly):
3) I’m given back a full head of hair as a gift.
4) In a blast of glitter, Nathan Lane, who’s currently starring in The Addams Family, arrives and performs a few raunchy party tunes before heading back to the Loop in time for curtain.
5) I refrain from twittering or facebooking all night long.
6) I don’t put on a single feather boa.
7) Bebe Neuwirth, feeling jealous of Mr. Lane, arrives to recreate “When Velma Takes the Stand” before posing for pics and offering a bday kiss.
8) Someone gifts me something “Twilight” related.
9) I make it home at a respectable hour.
10) I wake up at 8 am the next day, refreshed and revived, ready for a brisk morning jog.