Ten things that (most likely) won’t happen at my birthday party


My darling Gerald is throwing me a birthday party (yes — a few days past my actual bday, but who wants to get drunk on a Monday night?). At first, the entire party was a (top secret) surprise! And, because it’s Gerald, who can’t keep a secret longer than a newborn can hold its bladder, it became “surprise: you’re getting a party!”

And then it became “surprise, you’re getting a party…and it’s at Sidetrack.”

And then it became “surprise, you’re getting a party, and it’s in a private area of the bar I rented at Sidetrack with open bar for three hours.”

And then “surprise, you’re getting a party, and it’s in a private area of the bar I rented at Sidetrack, with open bar for three hours, and they’re going to play nothing but showtunes we hand-selected in your honor.”

With all that out there, I’ve been told there are STILL a few surprises in store. So, with that, may I present the top ten things that (most likely) will not happen at my birthday party:

1) I remain entirely sober and don’t do or say a single embarrassing thing.

2) The gang breaks out into spontaneous dance (led by yours truly):

3) I’m given back a full head of hair as a gift.

4) In a blast of glitter, Nathan Lane, who’s currently starring in The Addams Family, arrives and performs a few raunchy party tunes before heading back to the Loop in time for curtain.

5) I refrain from twittering or facebooking all night long.

6) I don’t put on a single feather boa.

7) Bebe Neuwirth, feeling jealous of Mr. Lane, arrives to recreate “When Velma Takes the Stand” before posing for pics and offering a bday kiss.

8) Someone gifts me something “Twilight” related.

9) I make it home at a respectable hour.

10) I wake up at 8 am the next day, refreshed and revived, ready for a brisk morning jog.

15 thoughts on “Ten things that (most likely) won’t happen at my birthday party

  1. Ha.

    If you manage to go an entire evening without twittering or facebooking, I’ll be astonished.

    So, you’re saying I should return the Twilight complete book collection I got you?

    Dammit.

  2. It would be my goal to make this all come true, except that I think you getting home at a respectable hour would be simply tragic!!

  3. Please twitter/facebook your a$$ off for those of us who can’t be there! It sounds like an amazing party, oh my gosh, I’m so excited for you!

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