Ok. I may be a Chicago theatre addict, but even I have my limits. You see, I get roughly several dozen press invitations a day for shows, which at first was awesome, but now it’s a bit overwhelming. I’m just one person with a full time job and other various commitments, so I have to make some tough decisions about what I can fit into my theatre-going calendar on any given week. Sadly, I’ve had to pass on some really amazing sounding productions that I wish I could go back in time to see. But, with a few exceptions, there are certain types of shows I will most likely never, ever see. Hopefully without coming off as a snot or a jerk, here are some basic ground rules for such shows.

I (most likely) will never see any…

– Shows with the word “Burlesque” or “Jersey Shore” in the title. I’m sure these appeal to some people, but some people ain’t me.

– Shows running for less than a week of performances. There are some exceptions, sure (I mean, I’m seeing the bus ‘n truck tour of Cats, which is only in the city for a week, but, hello, it’s Cats). I just feel your show has to have a bit of shelf life so people who take time to read my thoughts on it and want to check out your show can actually do so.

– Shows in New York City. I get about a dozen or so invitations to off-off Broadway productions each day. Apparently, fancy NYC press people don’t have time to bother culling their email databases. I mean, I don’t blame them; it’s rather difficult to determine where I’m based, what with my misleading blog title and all. Now, if said press people are footing the bill for travel expenses, that’s a different story.

– Shows that invite me the day before press opening. I mean, get it together people.

– Shows that start after 9pm. I’ve been invited to some awesome sounding shows (usually improv and comedies), but then I notice the performance doesn’t begin until 10pm. On a work night. Trust me: you do not want me seeing your show at 10pm on a work night. Or even 9pm. Because I turn into a werewolf, and no one wants to see that horror show.

– Shows in your apartment/condo. I’ve done it once, and it was strange and scary. I was asked to take my shoes off at the door. And I literally had to let friends and family know where I was going that evening in case it was all a ruse to murder me.

I think that’s about it? Yes, I think so. Am I being unreasonable here?